My Story
Hello friend! I have a special message for anyone of you who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. And to you, my reader, who is checking out my blog for the first time, please take some time to listen to my story.
In June of 1989, my family and I piled into our blue minivan in Arizona to go on a vacation to see friends in Portland, Oregon. As a thirty-five-year-old wife of a pastor, I had no idea that my mood was escalating as I deprived myself of sleep while I furiously rewrote and perfected a book of poetry in the middle of the night in our hotel room while the rest of my family was sleeping.
My family and I had no clue that I would wind up in a psychiatric unit of a hospital in Portland for two weeks. The first night in the hospital, my thoughts were irrational, troubled, and confused, as I had lost touch with reality. The only thing I could cling to that brought me comfort were the words of the Twenty-third Psalm that I had memorized in Sunday School as a child:
“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul… Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me….”
As we made the long trip home, I fell into a depression that lasted for quite a few months, but I was still able to function as best I could and raise my three children, ages seven, three, and six months old. Sometimes my husband, Dwight, would take our two older children out for a hike or a treat while I stayed home with the baby.
The doctors in the hospital released me with the requirement that I see a psychiatrist on a regular basis, and that I go to a counselor for a year. I resisted. See a psychiatrist? Not me! But it was necessary in order to stay on a mood stabilizing medication.
After a year or so, my psychiatrist took me off medication completely to make sure I hadn’t had a manic episode due to post-partum depression. That possibility was eliminated because my mania returned and led me to irrational, confused thinking once again. Mania can be described as an elevated mood that involves such things as grandiose thinking, agitation, and loss of sleep. Depression usually follows mania.
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As I settled into my routine of taking medication, I would often react indignantly when Dwight would ask me if I had taken my pills, as if he didn’t trust me. But I came to the realization that he had suffered a great loss, too, because he thought for sure he had lost his wife when he left me at the hospital that dark night in Portland. I have to say, that in the past few years, I’ve grown to appreciate his reminders (and they are rare now) because it shows how much he cares about me. He has been a rock to me in other times of crisis as well since my initial hospitalization.
I have been blessed to live a basically stable and productive life because I’ve stayed connected to a psychiatrist and now to a psychiatric nurse practitioner who prescribes my medication. I find refuge and peace when I spend time with God in the mornings reading the Bible and talking to Him through prayer. Also having a marriage based on Christ, having solid relationships with my children, and being connected to a church community (especially when I participate in a small group) contribute to my well-being. Don’t get me wrong though, I live a very less-than-perfect life and I have agonized over the ways that my mental illness has impacted our family life, whether real or imagined, though by God’s grace, we are all doing okay. My Christian friends also add support that I need in order to thrive.
That’s what I hope for you—not only a growing spiritual life but at least one close friend who you can confide in. Perhaps a family member, a counselor, or a psychiatrist or one of your Christian friends. I hope that if you are on medication, you stay on your medication, because maintaining balance through the complexities of life can be much more challenging without it.
My message to you is this: don’t give up hope. Do all you can to stay informed and to surround yourself with support. I pray that as the Twenty-third Psalm spoke to me that dark night in the hospital, God would speak truth and love into your heart. I pray that if your heart is troubled that you would find peace. Just know you are not alone, and there is hope for a stable lifestyle in spite of the highs and lows which are worse for some than others. And a growing life in Christ can be a foundation for stability.
So go out and do something today just for you. Or perhaps focus your energy on serving someone. There are no easy solutions to our battle with bipolar disorder but keep on keeping on!
- Marilyn
Helpful resources:
*bphope.com is an online magazine with stories of encouragement and useful info on bipolar disorder.
*The online organization--NAMI, the National Association for Mental Illness website contains definitions of mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder.